Julius Caesar Salad: A Spoof of Caesar
by LovaAtHeart
Summary: A faithful retelling of Shakespeare's Julius Caesar fed to the wolves and spat back out again.


Sorry that the format is screwed up, by the way. It looked good on Word. _

JULIUS CAESAR SALAD:

A SPOOF OF CAESAR

EXT. PUBLIC STEP - DAY

Opening shot: Zooming down a paved road somewhere. Fade into screen words: "44 B.C". Then fade right under it: "(Before Copyright)". Then pan up to see a man in a toga (and by toga I mean towel) sitting all emo-like on a step. This is BRUTUS. Then another person walks up to him, also in a toga. This is CASSIUS.

CASSIUS

Brutus. What troubles thee?

BRUTUS

It is my dry cleaning. It has not come yet.

CASSIUS

…Caesar!

BRUTUS

What?

CASSIUS

Do you not see?! It is the fault of Caesar! He has ceased the production of our dry-cleaning! It is a conspiracy!

BRUTUS

…Or it's just late.

CASSIUS

Or it's a conspiracy!!

BRUTUS

Okay, fine, whatever, it;s a conspiracy. Can you leave now?

CASSIUS

No! Not until this treasonous act is-

The DRY CLEANING GUY walks up mid-sentence.

DRY CLEANING GUY

Your dry cleaning, Mr. Brutus. Sorry for running late.

The Dry Cleaning Guy hands Brutus a new toga.

BRUTUS

Many thanks, insignificant dry-cleaning guy. I wish you and your fellow peasants slightly less misery than usual. I'll even consider feeding you today.

DRY CLEANING GUY

Th-Thank you sir! You won't regret it!

Dry Cleaning Guy runs off.

BRUTUS

See? There is nothing to worry about.

CASSIUS

Oh… well… This is indeed awkward…

BRUTUS

…Hm.

CASSIUS

What bothers thee, young grasshopper?

BRUTUS

It is the air conditioning… I think I left it on. I will go-

CASSIUS

Caesar!

BRUTUS

For the last time, it is not Caesar!

CASSIUS

Not Caesar? NOT CAESAR?! …Come, Brutus. Walk with me.

Brutus and Cassius get up and walk away.

EXT. STREETS OF ROME - DAY

They walk towards another area (as heavily paved as possible) where a man with sunglasses and radiating total douchebaggery is hitting a guy on the ground with something. This is CAESAR (the guy hitting, not the one being hit). Two other guys are joining Caesar.

BRUTUS

I almost forgot, it's Hit Peasants With Blunt Objects Day!

CASSIUS

Ah, yes! My favorite day of the week!

Cuts back to Ceasar and pals beating the snot out of the peasant. An old guy pops out of nowhere- the SOOTHSAYER.

SOOTHSAYER

Beware the ides of March!

CAESAR

Dudes! Another poor person!

OTHER GUY #1

Dude!

OTHER GUY #2

Duuuude!

The three of them start beating up Soothsayer too. Poor guy.

CASSIUS

Just look at him. He spends all day sitting on his big, shiny throne, giving orders to kill innocent civilians!

BRUTUS

…Your point is…?

CASSIUS

My point is, why does HE get to have that kind of fun, while we must be stuck out here beating poor people?

BRUTUS

I quite enjoy it actually.

CASSIUS

As do I, but that's not the point! The point is, it is about time he was thrown from that big, shiny throne of his!

BRUTUS

Casssius, are you suggesting we murder him?!

CASSIUS

No, I'm saying we should have tea and crumpets and watch Family Ties, YES I'M SUGGESTING WE MURDER HIM!

BRUTUS

But Cassius! That is morally wrong!

CASSIUS

But, dear Brutus… It is for the good of Rome. We do not need a prick in charge of our nation.

Brutus and Cassius look at Caesar, who's twirling a toga over his head, as dramatic music plays.

EXT. CAESAR'S PALACE – NIGHT

Brutus and Cassius are standing outside Caesar's palace.

CASSIUS

Here's the plan. We convince Caesar to come to the Senate House. There, the others will be waiting, and together we murder Caesar once and for all.

BRUTUS

Why don't we just walk in and stab him right now?

CASSIUS

Are you kidding? I don't want blood all over my future carpet!

They walk towards the palace.

INT. CAESAR'S PALACE – NIGHT

Caesar's just kind of chillin' and reading "DUDE DIGEST", when a woman runs in. This is CALPURNIA.

CALPURNIA

Caesar!

CAESAR

Where?!

CALPURNIA

Caesar! You mustn't go to the Senate House today!

CAESAR

Who said you could leave your cage, woman?!

CALPURNIA

But Caesar, I had a nightmare! You were standing there, and blood was pouring out of you! I think you may be in danger!

CAESAR

You want me to stay home because you had a bad dream?

CALPURNIA

But Caesar-

CAESAR

Stop saying Caesar!

CALPURNIA

Julius Franklin Caesar, you listen to me right now! You are to stay home with me, comfort me, and bring me food! Do you understand me?!

Caesar just sits there with a blank face. Meanwhile, Brutus and Cassius walk in.

BRUTUS

Caesar! Come with us to the Senate House!

CALPURNIA

No! You can't! You promised you stay!

CAESAR

No I didn't.

CALPURNIA

But let's pretend you did!

CAESAR

You're right… I can't go to the Senate House today. My incredibly needy and annoying wife needs me. It'll take some pretty strong convincing to get me to go.

BRUTUS

Um… please?

CAESAR

Well, that's good enough for me. Bye Lisa!

CALPURNIA

It's Calpurnia!

CAESAR

Whatever!

Brutus and Cassius look at each other.

INT. SENATE HOUSE – NIGHT

Brutus Cassius stand inside the Senate House, alone.

CASSIUS

Okay… I was expecting a few more people…

BRUTUS

No matter. We will do what must be done.

Caesar walks in with his shades on and everything, totally hammered, like he just came back from a huge party. He stumbles through the doors, while singing "All the Single Romans".

CAESAR

Oh, hey dudes! How long you been here?

BRUTUS

Six hours.

CAESAR

Whoah! That's, like, almost six hours!

CASSIUS

(whispering to Brutus)

Okay, on three, we charge. One… two… three!

Cassius runs up to Caesar (off screen) and we can hear that he starts stabbing him. Camera stays on Brutus as he watches and we hear screams and sound effects (and possibly "my leg" guy).

Then we show Caesar slowly getting up, blood everywhere. Brutus walks up to him with the knife.

CAESAR

Et tu, Brute…?

Brutus stabs Caesar.

CAESAR

…Douchebag.

Zoom out shot of Caesar lying on the ground, dead. Brutus backs away hesitantly.

BRUTUS

We did it… It's done…

ANTONY (O.S.)

Ohhhh Caesar!

We hear this voice off screen that's very, very homosexual. You can just tell by the way it sounds. This is ANTONY. He then runs in, moustache and all.

ANTONY

Oh, Caesar, I was picking out curtains for the doghouse, and I was wondering which one you liked better, green or OH MY GODS!!! Caesar! What have you done to my boy toy?

BRUTUS

What?

ANTONY

Master.

BRUTUS

That didn't help.

ANOTNY

You killed him! You killed him on our anniversary!

BRUTUS

Your what?!

ANTONY

Okay, you know what? You killed Ceasar-bear, and now I'm gonna have to murder you, okay? Okay.

CASSIUS

Brutus! We must tell the people!

BRUTUS

Yeah, that's smart. Why not put a target on our backs and a sign that says "kill me please"?

CASSIUS

That was one time, let it go already!

BRUTUS

Fine! Just let me make the speech.

Brutus walks away with Cassius following him.

EXT. SENATE HOUSE STEP – DAY

Brutus and Cassius walk out to a roaring crowd.

CASSIUS

Brutus. Be careful. The Gods are angry.

GODS (O.S.)

No we're not!

BRUTUS

The Gods are definitely angry. I'll watch my words.

Brutus walks up to the step and addresses the people.

BRUTUS

Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Illegal immigrants! People that live in my basement and bring me food! Chuck Norris! Vanilla! Purple! Kaleidoscope! I speak to you in order to explain- Caesar was ambitious. And for that, I slew him!

GUY IN CROWD #1

Boo!

GUY IN CROWD #2

Go home!

GUY IN CROWD #3

Is that Jeff Goldblum?

BRUTUS

People of Rome! I did this to free you!

GUY IN CROWD #1

I don't like this guy!

GUY IN CROWD #2

I bet he's a democrat!

GUY IN CROWD #1

What's a democrat?

GUY IN CROWD #2

I don't know!

BRUTUS

Will you not listen to me?!

GUY IN CROWD #1

That guy talks funny!

GUY IN CROWD #2

This is the worst singer ever!

BRUTUS

That's it! I'm done! Go, Antony. Say whatever you want.

Brutus walks away, Antony walks up.

ANTONY

Okaaay!

Antony clears his throat, and when he starts speaking, a much manlier, not gay voice comes out.

ANTONY

Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your spleens! I have come to speak on behalf of our beloved Caesar! He was a kind and generous man. Why, I remember the day he was born. The truth is… I am his father. It was in a log cabin, forty-seven years ago. As his mother pushed that final time, I could feel my heart beating faster than a speeding carriage. For not only was Caesar my son… but also my brother.

Brutus and Cassius are off to the side, watching, away from view or earshot from the audience.

CASSIUS

It's… It's so… Beautiful…

BRUTUS

You have got to be kidding me! This is total BS!

Time passes. Fade to this next part. This is hours later.

ANTONY

…And then, on his tenth birthday, he got it. The bicycle he had always wanted, but never asked for, because he didn't want his anyone to spend their own money on him.

Another fade.

ANTONY

…He finally found his identical twin brother, Mulius Casear, at the storming of the Bastille. Mulius had been shot in the chest- life flashing before his eyes. But Caesar leaned over, and with a single kiss to the wound, he was healed. It was then that Mother Theresa claimed him as her son.

Another fade.

ANTONY

…And as Caesar stared upon the seemingly endless zombie army, he looked at his gun, and said, "I don't need this. I can win this fight with words." And so he did. He stood up, shouted "Get out of my country, zombies!" And they were forced to concede to his powerful voice. The time had come: Casear had saved Narnia!

One last fade.

ANTONY

…And so now, he lies here, his lifeless eyes staring into the infinite stars. As Caesar is among the Heavens, surely treated as a God, I'm sure he is at peace, knowing that his final act had saved thirty-two orphan children from a burning building. Thank you.

Shot of the audience, where you can hear many sobs and crying.

GUY IN CROWD #1

I… I never knew… Caesar was such a legendary man…

GUY IN CROWD #2

Why did he have to leave us?!

GUY IN CROWD #3

That speech was the most beautiful 17 hours of my life!

ANTONY

So, go, my friends! Find the conspirators! Avenge Caesar!

The audience goes nuts and starts destroying everything.

ANTONY

Hey, wait! I said find the conspirators, not kill everything in sight! Stop! I wanted to keep that statue!

GUY IN CROWD #1

ROMAN ANGRY!

INT. SHAKESPEARE'S HOUSE - DAY

A few angry Romans run into a house thing and see a man with a moustache and a goatee sitting there with a quill and paper. This is SHAKESPEARE.

SHAKESPEARE

Who proceeds to entrance themselves into thy elegant domain?

GUY IN CROWD #1

I bet you were a conspirator! Let's kill him!

SHAKESPEARE

Thou art mistaken, youngling. The sky calls me ant. The sea calls me dry. But you? You call me William. William Shakespeare. For that is my name. And a name is but a representation of oneself, like the bud of a blooming flower.

GUY IN CROWD #1

Hey! This guy is confusing!

GUY IN CROWD #2

He's talking in code! Let's kill him!

SHAKESPEARE

But alas, I am not. I am but a humble playwright. No words escape these estranged pipes but-

GUY IN CROWD #1

Tear him for his bad verses!

Everyone starts approaching Shakespeare with swords in hand.

SHAKESPEARE

Hey, wait! Stop! Fine, I admit, I stole all of my plays from fanfiction dot net! Are you happy now? Hey! HEY! AAAGGGHHH!!!

INT. CASSIUS'S MOM'S BASEMENT – DAY

Brutus and Cassius walk into their hideout tent thing.

CASSIUS

And then I said, that's not an Irish bellydancer with a hook for a hand, that's my grandmother!

Brutus and Cassius laugh.

BRUTUS

Okay, but seriously, let us get on with this. Antony has made his speech, and now we're kind of screwed. We've retreated to your mom's basement for now, but they'll find us soon.

CASSIUS

We should plot our next move.

BRUTUS

Excellent. As soon as I find my compass…

CASSIUS

…Caesar!

BRUTUS

Caesar's dead! How can this possibly be his fault?!

CASSIUS

Hm. I guess you're right.

…Zombie Caesar!

BRUTUS

Screw this, I'm going to bed.

CASSIUS'S MOM (O.S)

Don't forget your toga again!

CASSIUS

I won't, mom! Stop embarrassing me in front of Brutus!

CASSIUS'S MOM (O.S.)

Don't raise your voice to me, young man!

CASSIUS

But Mo-om! I'm trying to avoid my imminent death at the hands of my crazy and apparently extremely well-spoken enemy!

CASSIUS'S MOM

Well, you can do that after you've done the dishes!

CASSIUS

Fine! God, sometimes I wonder why I even adopted you!

INT. CASSIUS'S MOM'S BASEMENT – NIGHT

Brutus is sleeping when he hears a strange voice.

CAESAR (O.S.)

Brutus… Brutus…

BRUTUS

OH MY GOD IT REALLY IS ZOMBIE CAESAR!

CAESAR

Noo… I'm a ghost…

BRUTUS

Oh, okay then. What do you want?

CAESAR

Go to Philippi tomorrow and fight Antony's army…

BRUTUS

Why on Jupiter's flat Earth would I listen to you?

CAESAR

Because if you don't I'll keep coming back…

BRUTUS

DONE!

EXT. SOME DRAMATIC HILL – DAY

Brutus and Cassius are standing up top a hill, staring into space.

BRUTUS

Are you ready for this fight, Cassius!

CASSIUS

Totally! Sure would be nice if we had an army though.

BRUTUS

I told you not to sell our soldiers on Craigslist!

CASSIUS

By the way, it's my birthday!

BRUTUS

What does that have to do with anything?

CASSIUS

Can you sing to me?

BRUTUS

No!

CASSIUS

Aw, come on, nobody ever sings to me!

BRUTUS

No singin! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go prepare my Neopets for war.

Exit Brutus.

EXT. ANTONY'S ARMY – DAY

ANTONY

My fellow soldiers, it is time to fight! Chant with me! Toga! Toga! Toga!

The army chants with him.

ANTONY

Now, my friends, let's go exterminate the conspirators!

GUY IN CROWD #1

Wait a minute! This isn't Sparta!

GUY IN CROWD #2

You mean I wore a speedo for nothing?

ANTONY

What? No, this isn't Sparta! And keep on the speedo, or I'll order your death!

GUY IN CROWD #1

Oh… Can I leave?

ANTONY

No.

GUY IN CROWD #1

Please?

ANTONY

No.

GUY IN CROWD #3

I have to pee!

ANTONY

I told you to go before we left!

GUY IN CROWD #4

Dude! I heard you can grate cheese on Spartans' abs!

GUY IN CROWD #1

Awesome!

ANTONY

People! Shut your faces, get your swords, and let's fight!

EXT. SOME RANDOM HILL – DAY

Time passes. Fade into Brutus and Cassius are watching the battle. We can hear swords clanking and stuff.

CASSIUS

How does it look, Brutus?

BRUTUS

Not good. We're being murdered. Our men are falling by the hundreds. We're being overwhelmed. We're not going to make it.

CASSIUS

So be it…

Cassius pulls out a knife and starts singing.

CASSIUS

Happy birthday to me… Happy birthday to-

Cassius stabs himself and dies.

BRUTUS

Nah, I'm just kidding, dude, we're doing fine. Cassius? Cassius? Cassius?

Brutus starts poking Cassius with his sword while he says "Cassius?" over and over. Until finally…

BRUTUS

Dang it! He owed me money!

Some guy walks by. When he talks, he talks with Mexican-doesn't-know-much-English-housekeeping? accent.

BRUTUS

Hey, you! Take this sword and hold it out for me to jump on it!

GUY

You want me take sword?

BRUTUS

No! Hold it there so I can kill myself!

GUY

I hold sword?

BRUTUS

Yes, you hold sword! I don't see the problem here! Now stay still!

GUY

Okay, I hold sword.

Brutus tries to run into sword, but Guy moves it early.

BRUTUS

What was that?!

GUY

I take sword?

BRUTUS

NO! HOLD! STILL! STAY! NO MOVE!

GUY

No move! I get!

BRUTUS

Okay, let's try this again.

Brutus tries to run into sword, but flips over it and hits the ground.

BRUTUS

Oh… Um… Okay… That didn't work.

GUY

Housekeeping?

BRUTUS

What?

GUY

I like Dora the Explorer.

BRUTUS

That's nice. Now hold still.

Brutus tries a few more times, each time missing or flipping and face planting on the ground. The last time, he lays there.

BRUTUS

Jesus Christ! ...Whoever that is. This shouldn't be as hard as it is!

GUY

I stab you?

BRUTUS

NO WAIT DON-

Guy stabs Brutus. Brutus dies.

GUY

…You pay me now?

INT. ANTONY'S PLACE – DAY

Brutus lays dead on the table, and Antony walks up to him.

ANTONY

You are the only one who stabbed Caesar who wasn't a selfish prick. For that, you will be remembered. People will think back to you and think… This was a man! Uh…

Antony peaks under Brutus's toga.

ANTONY

Yes, a man!

Antony peaks under Brutus's toga again. A soldier walks in.

SOLDIER

Mr. Antony, sir, we have vanquished their entire army. Their Neopet army was no match for our Tamagachi pets.

ANTONY

Excellent, excellent! Now Rome shall be ours! Isn't that right… Zombie Caeser?

Pan over, then zoom in on Zombie Caesar, with dramatic music. then cut to black.

ZOMBIE CAESAR (O.S.)

Brains dude!

END CREDITS

Brutus went on to live with his wife, Portia, and have three beautiful kids.

Nah, I'm just kidding, he died.

Cassius was reincarnated as a frequent blogger in America.

He still blames Caesar for his slow internet connection.

Antony and Zombie Caesar ruled over Rome, bringing it back to its former glory.

They also got married and had two kids.

Calpurnia started the first women's rights group in history.

She was then imprisoned for not making Zombie Caesar a sandwich.

Portia wasn't actually in our movie.

BUT SHE FREAKING ATE FIRE.

THAT'S AWESOME.

Dry-Cleaning Guy went out of business because of bad economy.

He was re-hired because Zombie Caesar spilled wine on his toga.

Shakespeare went on to write countless plays, many of which became extremely famous.

He died before fanfiction dot net could sue.

And finally, Soothsayer went on to predict that a movie about giant alien smurfs killing robots would be the highest-grossing movie of all time.

Nobody believed him.


End file.
